Viral Starburst Margarita Hack Coffee Machine

Starburst will not infuse significantly into your tequila.

The big assumption here is that there are people who actually want Starburst-infused tequila, but hey, there is a time and a place. If you love candy and love tequila, how could the two things be bad together, right? Bad. When the hot tequila passes over the Starbursts, very little of what’s delicious in the candy is captured in the liquid. My knowledge of physical science is insufficient to explain this, but tequila just picks up the color and weird chemical taste of the candy. Everything ostensibly “good” about Starburst is left in the filter. Which brings me to my next point.

Your coffee machine will clog.

While it’s not irreparable, your machine will clog soon enough in the process as the candy turns into a gooey slime. I had to pick up the filter and squeeze it to get all the liquid out. It’s not a “hack” if you have to do some extra work to get the desired result. That said, I did not permanently damage my coffee machine, only my dignity. To clean the machine I ran it once with plain water and after that the coffee it made didn’t taste like tequila or Starburst at all. Plus, using the carafe as a cocktail pitcher is a snap trick.

This drink is not “skinny”.

In fact, no drink is “skinny”. Not only is the branding of drinks a fatphobic moralization of physical pleasure, but this drink is literally made up of sugar and alcohol. The only way this drink will help you lose weight is by completely killing your appetite.

Pushing jalapeños into a toaster is (probably) a fire hazard.

There are certain lines that I will not cross. It seemed that testing the physical capacity of a toaster oven by inserting fruit into it was a great way to start a fire, so I used my air fryer instead. By the way, I now have a new favorite way to roast jalapeños.

This drink is disgusting.

This cannot be emphasized enough. If the drink was appealing, I might be able to forgive the aforementioned issues, but it’s not. In fact, I find it hard to express what is so bad about it. Usually, I can detect structural flaws in a drink quite easily. By tasting this drink, I lost my capacity for analytical thinking. All I could sense was my deep lizard brain ringing the alarm for me to pour every last drop of this drink down the drain.

Make this drink instead.

There’s a much easier way to fuse Starburst and tequila – just put them together in the same container overnight and call it a day. Once you have that you’re working with something that slightly resembles a liqueur rather than a spirit so if you want a quick drink all you have to do is add some acidity and you have yourself a balanced cocktail.

I composed this riff on Martinique’s national classic cocktail, the Ti’ Punch, which is akin to a citrusy Old Fashioned made with the island’s distinctive Rhum Agricole. (The Ti’ is the abbreviation of little, by the way.) The classic recipe is sweetened with a hint of cane syrup, but here it is not necessary since the infused tequila brings a lot of sugar. Sip it in your fire-free apartment while admiring your coffee maker still intact, knowing there’s always a better way.

About Jeffery L. Parker

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